i don’t even celebrate xmas
Man oh man, I had an experience so fantastically wonderful today that I almost said the word “miracle” but that word’s weird and gross and frankly I’m embarrassed I even typed it right now. This is two parts, the first part is kinda dumb, but I’m dumb so I get high on weird shit.
Erica’s Xmas Eve Grocery Experience Part I
Obviously it’s pure fuckin chaos but we’re supposed to get a Snowpocalypse and this heifer needs to stock the fuck up on essentials (particularly beer). I’m lurking in the baking aisle because god damn, bittersweet chocolate (60% cacao) gets me horny as fuck. The midwestern version of Louis CK comes up to me and asks if he can bake cupcakes with boxed cake mix. He’s got his two daughters tonight for Christmas Eve and thought it would be fun to bake cupcakes with them. I give him the info he needs but I also politely suggest baking them from scratch. His reply was “I don’t even know what that is” and I almost had a heart attack. I explained that it would be more fun, taste better, IS NOT COMPLICATED and he’ll be able to pronounce the ingredients that he’s putting into the bodies of his kids. I spent 20 minutes with him, picking out ingredients, writing the recipe on a napkin, and giving him my number in case of a cupcake crisis. He tried to pay me but i was like dude, this experience was payment enough.
I’m sure no one else would give a shit about something like this, but if you know me, you know how grossed out I am by instant meals and pre packaged horse shit pawned off as food, so this was fucking awesome.
Erica’s Xmas Eve Grocery Store Experience Part II
I’m at the checkout and the lady in front of me is with her daughter. I can see she’s got her EBT card (food stamps) out and I’m thinkin you know what, I sincerely doubt that she got additional food money for December so she’s either had to sacrifice regular food or holiday food this month. The stuff she’s buying is super basic and mad cheap, store brand bread, some fruit and veggies, store brand oats, yadda yadda (I always creep on what people buy at the grocery store, I seriously can’t help it. I’m a grocery voyeur FOR SURE, but I guess I could be worse.) So I’m like alright fuck this, I’m buying this lady’s shit. So she goes to swipe her card and I’m like yo I got this and she’s like what and I’m like yea and she’s like what and I’m like yea and she’s like what and I’m like yea and this goes on for probably two minutes. Then she starts crying and her daughter starts crying and I’m crying and the cashier is crying and we look like a giant fucking disaster in the middle of Schnuck’s. Her groceries were 43$. We’re all sobbing hysterically over $43. Forty three fuckin dollars. She and her daughter give me a huge hug and I got to hear some shit about jesus in my heart and I was like lady I’m a jew but happy holidays.
I go to pay for my own groceries and the man behind me, whose only item was an expensive ass bottle of rum, does the exact same thing I did to the woman in front of me. Some guy I don’t know spent 93$ on my groceries today. Here we go again, I’m crying, he’s crying, the cashier’s crying, the bagger’s crying, and that poor bagger was wearing a ton of makeup so her mascara was runnin all down her face. I can’t even imagine how we looked to anyone else doin their normal shoppin, probably like a bunch of crazies.
I make a lot of fuckin jokes about people who are preachy about giving. I tend to do this because of the holier than thou types who think that because they have something to give (time, money, etc), they need to alert the entire universe about it. It doesn’t matter though because giving is giving, and yeah, our motives may be selfish (I won’t lie, the high that I get from giving is probably the main reason why I do it), but in the end, the only thing that matters is the action that was taken.
Pay it forward, when you can.
Anonymous asked: Is it true that you have a big butt
it’s not huge but it’s p awesome
Being an atheist is okay.
Being an atheist and shaming religions and spirituality as silly and not real is not okay.
Being a Christian is okay.
Being homophobic, misogynistic, racist, or otherwise hateful person in the name of Christianity is not okay.
Having any belief is ok
Being an asshole about it is not
do you ever just sit there and realize that you mean nothing to anyone and you start feeling like shit